Pet the Bunny

Last Edit September 8,1999

The USARMY revisited:
DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ IF YOU ARE VEGETARIAN OR PARTICULARLY FOUND OF SMALL ANIMALS AND ARE NOT COGNIZANT OF HOW THE ARMY TRAINS OUR BOYS TO BE KILLERS.

"J" was back at Red Lobster for a second pass before returning to duty. And he had another story to tell.
But first, because it was crab night, and because he was all dressed up in full uniform, he stood up and removed his spiffy shirt.
We, of course, had to chant "Take it off! Take it off!" Of course.
This, of course, got our notorious table a lot of attention.
Especially from women in various parts of the restaurant.
During dinner, "J" relayed the following story. My son avidly listening.
Sapper training requires a certain amount of desensitivity training - so they have them kill bunnies.
You will be upset with the rest of this if you are unfamiliar with the army.

The goal is to practice killing people with a karate chop to brake between the 3rd and 4th vertebrae.
It is difficult to get volunteer victims since they are concerned about the lack of a future.
So they practice on bunnies. (If this bothers you, stop reading NOW!)
This is practical since survival training teaches our soldiers to trap and kill food in the wild.
Beats eating ants.
By making the trainees pet the bunnies first, then dispatch them, it is felt that desensitizing them to killing is accomplished.
(One wonders what they do to resensitize them upon imminent discharge. No. Wait. They don't bother! Don't get me started!)
"J" grabbed his bunny by the ears and stroked the rabbit, thus making the rabbit relax. This also makes a contrast between stroking the rabbit and karate chopping it.
"J" did this. Stroked the rabbit.
Next, he was required to dispatch said rabbit.
He chopped.
It was not dispatched. I will censor that part.
He resoothed it. (Required.)
And tried again.
After the forth unsuccessful attempt, "J" became irritated and broke the sapper rules (how did we know he would do that) and smashed it into a tree, swiftly breaking its neck.
Dinner was now ready to be prepared.
Stir-fry rabbit in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - No, I was joking. Levity is required here. I was not pleased with this - but I understand what the army was trying to teach. And, since we have had pilots down behind enemy lines living sort-of on the land while waiting to be rescued, I do believe we have to train them. I'm just not certain we couldn't find a better way. Of course, in the older wars, the boys came in off farms and knew how to quickly dispatch and how to catch, kill and dress game.
Part 2 of Kill Training was a repeat performance - - - with a chicken.
"Chicken Choking" is a prelude to Chicken Fricassee.
So "J" was there, stroking the chicken.
And "J" tried to karate chop the chicken's neck to break it in the prescribed location and manner. Since I was born on a chicken farm, I am not disturbed by the chicken choking routine. Chicken dispatch was fairly routine at home. I had to do this to get a 4-H project complete. Ever draw a wet chicken? (To draw is to remove the insides.) Ghastly. Feathers smell when wet. And they have to be wet to remove them. And then they stick to your hand.
Dead chickens have been known to run 50 feet or in circles,, even with the head cut off and the neck flopping back and forth. It has to do with muscles. And the fact they have a very small brain. It was fascinating to a 5 year old.
Chicken #1: The first chicken didn't die on the first chop. Or the second. Resilient chicken. Rubber chicken.
"J" was the only one with a non-choked chicken, so he was annoyed. Of course. Patience is not a virtue in all army exercises. Especially when holding up dinner.
So, "J" slung the chicken hard on the ground to dispatch it. More then once. On an upswing, the chicken became airborne. It landed in a tree. Dead. Stuck in the tree.
"J" stopped and assumed the position. The one that said his chicken was ready to become dinner.
The sapper instructor walked up and asked, "Sapper. Where's your chicken?"
"J" pointed to the tree.
Where the dead chicken was roosting.
"Why is your chicken in a tree?"
"It flew up there, Sergeant."
"Why haven't you gotten it down?"
"Because I don't feel like climbing the tree."
"Sapper. Go get your dinner."
"Haoh, Sargent". (That's the best I can do for that yell they make.)
"J" climbed the tree.
The chicken dinner was good.
"J", of course, had to get another chicken (Chicken #2:) and perform its dispatch in front of the Sapper Instructor.
"J" is now a qualified sapper.
("Sapper" has no meaning outside of combat engineering.)

At the end of the crab dinner, "J" redressed, to the cheers of the entire restaurant - he had to drop his fly to tuck in the shirt and we all got to watch. This elicited all sorts of comments from other diners.
Several ladies volunteered to help him tuck it back in.
When we ordered desert, "J" decided he would have his "naked and on the table". Makes me wonder about basic training. This should have been covered in high school.
And the adventures of Cobra Commander were reviewed - to be sure I had written it down correctly. It just needed to be mentioned. Again. And he thought he would clarify some of the 30 days of mine clearing exercises.
Like how he managed to get 15 little memos. Counseling statements. Outside of dropping live ammo on living troops (friendlies), what did "J" have against Cobra Commander?
Seems that Cobra Commander (TC) would just abandon a dead tank - and his men - without food or water - until a tow tank would arrive. A long time to be in noise, and heat and inactive.
And somehow TC's neglected troops would be "delivered" MREs when they were abandoned. (MREs - those plastic bag meals the army is famous for. The ones packaged with 1 square of toilet tissue. Just the one.)
And somehow, "J"s men also had lots of MREs.
And somehow, TC would always find he was short of MREs in the field during exercises.
Who said survival training was wasted?