The Time Must Come ....

Last Edit April 22, 1999

[This was written before the carnage in Colorado. I didn't change it. That would have let the monsters win. I refuse to let them win.]

When you raise boys there comes a time when you must let them leave the nest.
They must go forth and find their way.
Without you.
It's what you raised them to be.
Independent. In charge. In control of their own lives. And loves.
And you must have other things to do.
It's OK if you call them, especially when you are in dire straits like collapsed with a hernia, a high fever, etc.
And it's OK if they call you when they have a major event or problem in their lives.
It's OK to stay in touch - just not daily.
It's OK to give advice to them in moderation or when asked because the learning process goes on and on - the transmittal of data from one living creature to its successor.
It's OK when they listen and then do not take your advice, frustrating for you, but they have to learn to make decisions and face the results.
Even if the results are not what they might have been.
You won't always be there.
They must be able to survive without you.
And sometimes the results might be better.
Because someone else gave them different advice.
You have to accept that too.
It takes networking.
You raised them with little support - but today you would talk to others more.
It takes a village. It does.
They will ask for money - figure that as the only solution.
It's OK to say no once in awhile. And me often as they grow older.
That which tests us makes us strong.
Putting out your hand to each demand does not let them grow.
Let them struggle.
They know they can seek shelter if the situation is disastrous. Dust themselves up and start again.
Like the baby that is caught when it falls over from the first sit-up, catching them when they fall over won't teach them to put out that steadying hand.
You learned this when that first 6 month old toppled and you caught him. Over and over. And then finally let him fall and bang his head.
And watched as the next time the steadying hand went out. And you didn't have to catch him again.
Remember the lesson.
Untie the cord.
It's time to learn how to get through holidays on your own. Because you will need to share them with others in their lives and they must be free to do that.
For when you are not there.
You must face the fact that your time is flowing out of the bottle.
They must deal with that eventuality as well.
They must be able to remember holidays when you were not present. Vacations they took on their own or with others.
Hobbies they discovered without a mother's guiding hand.
Your job is done.
And isn't.
And that's OK too.
So you must learn.
To have things to do on that first major holiday when no children are showing up.
To have someone who baby-sits your dog and cat and chinchillas when you leave on business or pleasure for a week at a time and no child is at home.
And you must leave once in awhile for pleasure.
You must go to the movies, the grocery store, the mall without another to consider, keep track of or acquire things for.
And you must start before they leave.
You have to give up letting a large child plow through the crowd at the theatre and remember when it used to be you who plowed through crowds with small sons in tow.
You have to give up hiding behind a son's arm at scary parts in the movie and remember when you shielded their eyes.
You have to program your own VCR. You used to do that.
You have to remember how to cook for one.
You can have holiday dinners without a can of chesnuts going through a window or the turkey still being frozen on Thansgiving because you were distracted.
You won't spend three months finding that last Easter egg because you were in a hurry and forgot to write down where on earth you hid them.
Sanity will return.
Your floors will be clean.
Your carpets relatively unspoiled.
No hand, foot or bike-tire prints on your white walls.
Think of these things. Positive things.
Because they will start leaving before they actually do.
It's the first signs that startle you.
The eagles are preparing to leave the nest.
The momma eagle can fly again.
Free.
Just beware of the hunter's guns.