THE NEW BABY

Last Edit October 24, 1995

The weather must have taken a turn for the worse about nine months ago - everyone it seems is having babies again. (There is something to be said for cold nights.) Pregnant women are popping up all over (literally!). Shower announcements hang in the hallways. Proud papas hand out candy lollipops (cigars are definetly not in vogue) and generally carry on. Photos get passed around and occasionally, so do the babies.

And, those of us who have passed this way will now dutifully rummage through the garage for the car seat or carriage or stroller or toys that are suitable for passing on, all to help the new parents.

My children are older. Almost 11 and five and a half.

They can dial the phone and reach me at work.

They can tell me what hurts and when they are sick.

They can occasionally follow directions.

They can almost dress themselves.

Fork and spoon are familiar if not often used items.

Cups are only occasionally spilled.

They can recognize soap.

And, this is the last car I will drive that carries the mark of an ill child's bad timing.

I don't want to do diapers again. I don't care that the new Pampers are not supposed to leak. My figure still remembers when the 5 and a half was a resident, sometimes it looks like he's due any minute (all right! I'm exaggerating! Just a bit). I don't want a new baby. However,....

More than the sap rises in spring. Men think of baseball and women of.... And to complicate things, I buried my mother hampster last Tuesday. She was docile and sweet, cute and soft, cuddly and patient. And, she had produced eight adorable babies after my cub scout den bred her to the then 9-week old male. I'm still not sure which merit badge that was.

The male had died earlier this year (big surprise! He was tired!)‹Thanksgiving eve. to be exact. I wasn't too attached to him - he didn't let you hold him, he jumped and ran and carried on where she would let you scratch her ears, snuggle her under a chin.

I was upset, but his death was natural. I accepted it.

Her death drastically disturbed me.

Why else would I go out in the cold, misty rain and dig a deep grave in the mud and the clay, and cover it with huge anti-coyote rocks?

I bought a puppy.

Now, puppies are not a replacement for the soft, sweet little baby you are considering acquiring, but it does not take nine months and a husband or cooperative male to get one. There is no pain. And your life is not turned upside down. Right? WRONG!

To start with, diapers are nothing compared to the dog sheets, the papers you dutifully put down and hope it uses. Even the APF30 scientifically designed not-to-smell diet does not cure all ills. But then babies throw-up. Look at my car.

Puppies will wet the rug if you are not quick enough. With babies, you can plan for potty training. Puppies start right in.

Babies cry when wet or hungry. So do puppies.

Babies must be fed often (newborns anyway). So do puppies.

Babies don't have to be walked and run after eating. They just need burping.

Babies need daily baths to smell sweet. Puppies don't need baths as often but they do need to be brushed and kept reasonably clean.

Babies don't get fleas. Puppies can and do.

Babies can ruin your figure (especially the second one, baby that is). Puppies don't let you sleep and tea and cookies at 3AM don't help you out either. You can loose weight running an older dog, not a puppy.

Babies grow out of their clothes, fast. Puppies outgrow their collars.

Babies chew up the furniture. Pupies also chew up their leashes. Your furniture. Your slippers and shoes. (Mine is teaching my kids to pick up their laundry since he will "capture" shorts and socks and prance them around the house. Come to think of it, that is an advantage. I don't have to look for them.)

Babies sleep in clean, soft, warm beds. So do puppies.

Babies cry at night. So do puppies. Puppies are also into creative yowling.

Baby shampoo does cost less than puppy shampoo. And flea spray.

Baby food costs less than puppy food.

Babies love to be rocked and cuddled. Puppies expect no less.

Babies outgrow your lap in five years. Puppies outgrow it in five months.

Babies go for a walk in a stroller. Puppies, when they will walk, go out on a leash. (Older babies can go on a leash. They make them now that I don't need them!)

Babies sit in carseats, well strapped in and immobile. If you are smart, puppies sit in car-cages. Mine rides in my lap.

Babies go in play-pens. Puppies go in cages.

Babies can ride on airliners. Puppies get shipped as baggage.

Puppies can be boarded. Try that with a baby!

Babies are helpless. Puppies can figure out the automatic water bottle and feeder. And the cage door.

Oh yes, babies are dear and sweet and precious. I have two. I am the oldest of nine and I diapered most of those. I have 8 nieces and nephews, so far. I know about babies.

And, when you add it all up, babies are really no more work than a puppy. But, I do have one advantage.

Puppies grow up in a year. Babies take a lifetime.

Copyright © June 1996 Donnamaie E. White