Coming Home - But Not Recovering

Date: November 5, 2004
      He comes home tomorrow (from the chemo that ewventually killed him)
and we go back to BMT clinic every day for awhile.
      Biopsy next week? or thereabouts.
      I hauled stuff out of the hospital tonight - he's packed - just toss in car and drive like mad.
      His kidneys are a mess again - may recover.
      He ate noodles - ice cream etc. Not much.
      I worry about him.
      Want to see him ask for a Clark's Burger again. (He never did.)

November 8, 2004
      I'd love to go from 1X to 12.
      Must do so soon.
      Lazy. I keep telling John that I have gained all the weight he lost and he can have it back anytime.
      Early morning every morning to Stanford - then to work wears me out.
      He made stuff to eat himself (I threw a fit - he hands back everything I make him) - now his own stuff is "too thick" - so I made him tea to wash it down with. (We did not know his GI track was failing.)
      I weeded a bit - I guess I am allergic to the sap in Lily of the Nile - I have contact determitius - I took a benedryl; after scrubbing yuck.
      My yard out of control.
      And yuck to $405 at Albertsons - egad --- 5 pieces of make up - oh that will do it. and of course 5% off NEXT time if I don't lose the damn coupon.
      I got flour and sugar and CRISCO and pumpkin and evap. milk and stuff for Thanksgiving since it was on sale. He loves pumpkin pie. I said I would make him one. If he couldn't eat it yet, I'd make him one when he could eat it. (He was not able to eat the pumpkin pie. This was a clear indication that he was in serious trouble. I knew. He knew. We simply did not discuss it.

      He said, "Mom, I am hungry. I am trying to eat. It just lays there."

      And then he throws up and trys again.

      They had no answer at the cancer center.
      We did not have the answer until he died in February and the PICU people said his GI track had failed. Too much chemo. They have seen it often. Too damn often! He was dead before he got there.

      They never told us that there is a limit on the amount of chemo you can have in your life. Never discussed this with us in detail. Never checked his records (old records were "too much trouble" to send for.) So they killed him.

      Time to change this medical proactice. Time to let people know. The doctors are guessing here.