2005 Story Set
| Date: May 30, 2005 I must adjust to being without my lovely son. I especially need to be able to shop in the grocery stores, drug stores and the camera store without coming apart at the seams. I am still carrying cameras from the Celebration of Life Party we had instead of a funeral. The local Ritz - where he had worked while in High School - has closed. The other one is in the mall, where I used to go over to pick him up after work and sit in long left turns lines at Christmas and holidays and walk in to fetch him. I used to get coffee, buy him things (always), or drop off or pick up my own film. Most of the people he worked with, are gone. They are working in different towns and even different states. That may help. I am not yet comfortable with the mall. I have been avaoiding it. I must stop that. I must stop wanting to run into my bedroom and pulling the covers over my head. I must go and get the film developed however, so I am thinking about it. I read Jane Austin's Sanditon, I have read it before, and it is not a finished work (someone else finished it). She has a couple of those. I left for Long's, and forgot the Glucosomine ad. So I will have to go back. And then I decided on Trader Joe's because I like the sprouted Rye bread. I have not been there very often, once I think, since losing him. Today, three months after his death, I was losing it as I walked around the store. He loved to "shop", he would read labels, put new things in my cart. I was always getting surprises at the check out. It was a running joke. He had stopped asking. He knew I would buy him anything within reason if he asked, and some things that were not. I got the spiced cider he loved. I love it too. I got the frozen green beans he loved. I love them too. It was very difficult to keep doing that. But I promised that I would not get in a rut, I would try new things and I would try to remember how he taught me to experiment and use new spices, cook new meats, fishes, and try other things. I am trying. I got plain yogurt, and heavy cream and blackberries and blueberries, both frozen, and strawberries, fresh. He couldn't eat berries. By the time I got to checkout, I was fighting to hold it together. Driving thru tears is not a recommended thing but sometimes I have to do it. I don't see how to keep going. I am trying. But I miss him and I feel the loss tear me apart every now and then. There are no words. I just tell him that I love him, wherever he is, and I miss him terribly. And I try to do my chores and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Some days are better than others. They tell you to walk the paths you walked with the departed. I walked many, many paths with my son. It will take a very long time to visit them even once. And each will have its own special pain. It helps to stay busy. Holidays are not a good time right now. |
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