Still Crying - Seeking Peace

Date: May 2, 2005

      So there I am, bopping along with my life - thinking I had it together - talking to Chuck via chat - looking at some of his jump photos (he's on the bottom below). My older child jumped out of a plane.

      He is going to do this again. I said only if I can. Because John wanted to do that - so I will pin on John's soccer photo (it's on a button and I talk to it every day - big beaming smile - what I want to remember) - and I will jump.

      Then I got an email telling me about the Wildflower race. John and I went there several times to cheer on the Leukemia and Lymophoma Society Team in Training (TNT) team. We shouted and clapped until our voices were raw and our hands hurt. He went once in a wheelchair (we both look like elephants). He went once with a wobbly walk. He went once feeling much better. Then he got AML and nothing was possible. I am not ready to go to Wildflower yet. I go places one at a time. I can stand the grocery store and the drug store. Sears still spooks me as does the movie theater. Wildflower would be too much. I am trying to gear up for San Diego.

    Anyway, Saturday night, at the team meeting before the Olympic distance race, they said that they all lit candles for John and Derrick Deleon, a guy that did Wildflower last year and was killed in a bike accident 2 months later). 10 of his family members joined TNT and raced in his memory (some did relays). Is that hint for me to join a team? Not at my age and health.

      They lit candles for John and talked about him. About how much he loved Wildflower and what a big part TNT played in his life. (One season we got there almost every Wed night for practice - because the hospital day was Wed - so we just stayed down in SJ and went over to the track. He was up proud and walking at that point. Before the relapse. This season he was out of touch - fighting for his life, weak and losing the battle.)

      A woman he knew well did this triathalon and about killed herself - wouldn't quit - threw up the whole run. She had a really really hard race. She was throwing up the entire run (she totally dehydrated during the 1st 2 legs). Amazingly, she stuck it out and completed the race. She told us she thought of John the whole time and all he went through and he couldn't quit , so neither did she. She was dragged straight to the medical tent when she finished where they proceeded to give her an IV (sodium chloride = electrolytes). Some idiot nurse couldn't get the damn needle in (her comment- "now I know how John felt!") - luckily she called a "real nurse" over who covered that attempt and went in elsewhere where the vein actually showed!

      After one bag, she was still vomiting up whatever she tried to take in (mainly water/ice). They tried insisting she go to the hospital, stating that she is as sick or worse than everyone else they sent to the hospital in the past 2 days. She refused. Our compromise if she can't keep food down by the time the team got back to the bay area, she goes to a hospital.

      Happy ending - she was able to keep food down and she didn't have to go.

      There are people all over the world running for Leukemia cures - with John's name on their tank tops. The hospital bear - the big white one - is wearing a shirt from another runner.

      After reading about all this, I was looking at chats and opened a saved one from John from way back. He had hair (you can tell by the precious little icon he made) and I read just a bit of the messages. It shocked me. His way of talking. His happy faces. His icon.

      I went down the hall to the bathroom and suddenly lost it. The grief just tears out of you. Crying in a crumbled heap and your heart feels like someone grabbed it and squeezed. And it is not a heart attack. My eyes and head swelled up. I tried to keep it under control. I feel that he doesn't want me losing it. He used to say that.

      I thought I was better - I thought that I was doing well. But being reminded of all of that and then seeing the chat ----

      I completely broke down.

      I had some wine.

      And am going to eat spaghetti.

      I lit my candles.

      I need to jump out of a plane - Chuck said there was peace------. I miss my precious child.