2005 Story Set
| Date: May 18, 2005 For the past week, I have been awakened rudely and I can hear myself screaming in my head. I may be screaming out loud and that may be what wakes me up. It started in San Diego. It continues. The dreams are weird and I cannot tell what prompted them. But I wake up stressed - about 4 in the morning. This is a new feature. One I could do without. It is tied to John, although I may be doing other things in the dream - I get only images - I forget them quickly. It is tied to John because twice now I have broken out in grief after a respite of a week or so where only tears came and went. This explosive grief is a little more wrenching. It just hits you. Stops you in your tracks. Leaves you reeling. I left Fabio another thank you message - the flowers are OK - really - I run my air conditioner in my car on HIGH. John used to call me ice woman. In fact - they are still looking pretty good sitting here out of harm's way on my desk at home. I check them and tonight they will get water and food. I do not have a kitchen - I mean it is gone. The dishwasher is on the patio. The cabinets in the truck. I will get the one cabinet in my bathroom down ASAP. There is one more in the attic. My sink was trashed. The electrician is running around. The new stove is in its box. The microwave safe on the floor. John wanted me to get a new kitchen - so I am getting a new kitchen. He wanted that for me. He knew I had called the contractor. I let him know things even as we neared the end. I tried to keep things normal. We both knew he was dying. We did not need to discuss it. Better discuss setting my kitchen on fire for Christmas. At least I can say I entertained him. Distracted him. Loved him. I close the refi on this house at 6 tonight. Then I find a contractor for the San Diego House. I called the bank - they had mislaid the notarized paper - the one closing John's account. They found it. Pissed me off. I had had a hard day doing that. But they will transfer the $72 - all he had left - to my account. And charge me for the favor. No doubt. I will check his numbers. Don't sound right - unless they were merrily transferring the $500 per month to my account instead of freezing the thing. Oh well - it would be in the same place. For extra fees, of course. Their phone call may have set me off. Maybe I can sleep tonight. |
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