Withdrawal (From the Internet)

2000

I can't log in today! (Saturday - April 15th 2000)
This is not nice!
Authentication failure.
I tried everything I knew.
I checked the control panels (The message said to do that).
I fed animals. I lugged feed into the bins. I put the dog out and chased the cat. I fed the rabbits and gave shredded wheat to the Chinchilla. I checked to web. I kicked the grocery bags out of the way. (My son has refused to fold them last night - so I refused to fold them.) I checked the web.
I drank coffee. Decafe. I took my pills - all of them. I fixed my Medifast. I checked the web.
I lost it.
I ran into my son's room (it was 9AM) and whined and whimpered a nd made him get out of bed and try logging in with his machine (maybe the new Netscape I installed - which installed AOL and instant messenger - like I wanted them - did some other weird thing to my machine). I had already trashed AOL and Instant Messenger - they tried to take over my computer - tried to turn off Eudora! NO NO NO! I HATE software that installs that way - that's a Microsoft trick!
No joy.
He couldn't get on either.
(I run to my sons for these things because I HATE communication software and I HATE dealing with it.)
(It makes them feel useful.)
(Pick one.)
It took searching the house - "Didn't I just see their login sheet running around when I did the tax thingy?" - and ranting and raving.
You just keep trying to log in - figuring that it will go away. (It has done that before.)
My nerves frayed.
My withdrawal from the connection is palpable.
I'm roaming the house.
My arm is cut off.
My brain fries.
I finally, after making an egg-fieta pair for the boy (who needed to be up to mail his taxes and close his bank accounts), wandered over to the computer and looked up Best in the e-mail files.
Found it.
888 number.
I called after 2 hours of fussing.
A recorded voice said "we are experiencing.....", "can't handle authentication" and their "engineers are aware of the problem".
So now I know why.
But it doesn't help my nerves.
I am waiting for instructions from Verio to set up my new e-mail and my new domain areas, and instructions on the commercial site (which has e-mail too) - and the directions are being e-mailed to the Best account!
So I am hung.
Cut off.
Frozen.
We make it out to the bank and run our errands (mailed his taxes).
We skipped Togo's and went for coffee at the new StarBucks. I forgot to ask for non-fat milk. I did say no whipped cream. I did say decafe. I did say double - I really meant Grande. Double means double shot. I guess of mocha. They have a whole new vocabulary.
My son gets real coffee.
My he-man.
I came home (after wading through the crowd at Starbucks) and found....
I am still cut off from the internet.
OK. Calm down!
I drink my Starbucks Cafe Mocha Double Grande Decaf no whip coffee and become brain-dead.
I am dysfunctional.
I will now slowly disintegrate.
Time to get this addiction under control!
The internet - not the coffee!
My son was in a strange mood - probably because I had gotten him up out bed before noon - and spent the next hour measuring himself against the wall - making sure he is 6'3" ("How tall is Fabio?") and checking his chest (56" - "bigger than Fabio!"). These are the important things to an 18 year old.
I have to help him check this out. I mention that he needs to get to a 32" waist and he declines. He informed me that the cable on my $800 weight machine needs replacing and one wheel wobbles. Nice!
He also went around the house hanging up his nude sketches from art class and his oil paintings from that class (his airbrush art is in a gallery - in a competition - along with two other oils) and he promptly redecorated my living room, office and hall.
He suddenly decided that I must be surrounded with art. (His.) I wouldn't let him in my bedroom - that last wall space is reserved for Fabio pictures.
These are the important things.
He suddenly decided that he needs to move out to get organized. I agree. I want to move too.
You should move every three years - forces a housecleaning.
I must resist the urge to check the web.
In a weird mood myself (I always lose it just before teaching a seminar), I climb into bed and read a book. It's 2PM.
My son, unerringly accurate in this, arrives in my room just as I get to the thrilling conclusion (last 6 pages) and proceeds to interrupt me with every possible silliness he can come up with.
I read anyway.
It is a family ritual. Been going on for years. Both my boys do this. Like homing pigeons. I can hide in my room for hours and they will find me right at the end of the book. And laugh like hellions.
Finally, I finish, get up, and scream.
Primordial screaming is important to me. It releases tension.
My son screams back from behind the bathroom door.
This is a cause of some concern. I must check the fruit in his diet.
He retaliates by grabbing the Polaroid camera and catching me pulling my hair out.
I've seen the photo. My mouth is too big and my eyes are huge. As I lose weight, my face gets weird.
I decide that I need to give up coffee. Fabio was right!
The web is now alive.
Too late. I think I'll go read PEOPLE.
These are the important things.