Lemonade Pie

2001

August 18, 2001
        This was in the newspaper - it needed little effort - so I decided that I would try it.
        Right.
        Being distracted by all the pills and shots and IV pumps and trips to Stanford Pediatric Day Hospital, I decided I wanted to have lemon pie for supper.
        First, I needed a pre-made pie crust.
        I bought one.
        To say that it resembles cardboard is a mild understatement.
        Then I needed Lemonade.
        I bought a can of store-brand lemonade.
        Tastes like water.
        You only need part of it. We drank the rest. I gave it flavor by not diluting it very well.
        Then I needed sweetened condensed milk.
        I had a can
        Purchased during the dark ages.
        There is something distinctly wrong when the top and bottom of a can of canned milk are both bowed. Never mind the dust. The chinchilla is in the kitchen so I have dust on everything. Pumice to be specific.
        This can had a lot of dust on its dome.
        It also whooshed when I punctured it - and was a thick mess inside. I wanted to look so I did.
        I never had a can whoosh before.
        Fortunately I had another can I stumbled over in the bowels of a cupboard.
        Not quite so old. The lid was level. The milk is still runny. It's supposed to be thick and sweet.
        Then I needed Cool Whip. I had 8 oz. I needed 16. So I divided everything in half.
        Then I put things together.
        Note that it is a good idea to defrost the Cool Whip, otherwise you need to beat it to death to make the pie.
        I beat it to death.
        Took it 8 hours in the fridge to recover its wits.
        I now had a thin, tasteless pie filling sitting in a foil dish lined in cardboard.
        The crust is horrid.
        The pie is runny. (After 8 hours in the fridge, it had "set".)
        I am upset.
        I love lemon. This is not lemony.
        I made lemon Jell-O and decided I would get the right ingredients for the pie after I went to the gym.
        Crumb crust. Lemon extract. Name-brand lemonade. 16 oz of Cool Whip. And another 8 oz to finish the other pie. And get the Lemon Pudding Pie Filling Jell-O puts out - I love it.
        Of course, nothing can beat a homemade lemon pie filling but I do not have the time. And the lemon tree is only 2' tall. It's new.

        Original Recipe:
        1 14- ounce can of sweetened condensed milk
        1 6-oz can of frozen lemonade
        1 16 oz bucket of Cool Whip (at room temperature)
        1 pre-baked store-bought pie crust (use the crumb crust!)
        This should prove interesting.
        Since I tend to loose my wits in the gym due to the asthma.
        Of course, after all the wheelchair and suitcase lifting this week, all the hauling the kid around, multiple trips, and all the extra work, I should be in good shape. My arms and back should be!
        I do have biceps under the fat.
        I have no business eating pie in the first place.
        This in mind, I do over 90 minutes at the gym. 35 minutes on the treadmill - 3.4 then 3.3 then 3.2. I break a sweat. I used my inhaler before I started. It is tucked into my top.
        I do the arm lift - 50 lbs plus the weight of the machine. Then the Dipper - 120 lb assist lift and tricep push, the glute machine at 60 lbs, the leg extender at 20 lbs, the Dorsi Flexor at 60 lbs - for all three reaches, 16 reps each reach, the abdominal at 51 lbs, 2 cycles, the bicep curl at 40 for 8 and 30 for 8, another set of 16 tricep pushes and then another arm lift. And then the back room with leg lifts at 225, 245 and 265, two heights leg lifts (12, 10 and 8 reps) and calf raises (16 at each level). And then 10 minutes more on the treadmill. I am dripping sweat and have used the towel constantly to mop my brow and neck and face. My glasses slide down my nose.
        I drink water.
        Then on to the store where I find lemonade and the 16oz Cool Whip (big container). I add lemons, a new can of condensed milk, and some lemon extract. And an extra container of Cool Whip for the remaining part of the pie. I find crumb crust - I must have picked up the shortbread one. Which bears no resemblance to shortbread. If you've ever made shortbread, you would know that.
        My son and I have pistachios and grapes for a snack.
        Made sense to me.
        The shells go into the back yard as mulch. Walnut shells, peanut shell and pistachio shells are good for this. One reason why I have a pumpkin vine growing all over the back yard. And two giant pumpkins.
        Well, the shells and the rabbit.
        So I put the lemonade into the freezer and the Cool Whip on the counter.
        And after a reasonable length of time, for me anyway, I open the 8 oz Cool Whip, add the leftover stuff from the pie and mix with a few drops of lemon flavoring.
        More like it! I scrape out the pie innards and mix it in. and put the mess back into the crumbling pie shell.
        Voila!
        It works when you actually follow the recipe!
        I take this now pretty pie down to see the kid. He has had a rough chemo week.
        He is in bed, no clothes, just a draped sheet. Sort of.
        He looks at the pie.
        "So, who's going to eat it?" he asks.
        I resisted the temptation to cream him there and then.
        I licked the bowl.
Copyright 2000, 2001 Donnamaie E.White.
Material may not be reproduced without written permission of the author.

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