2002 Story Set
| Dec. 26, 2001 A toilet, probably yours, is stopped up (You may substitute a sink - as in Kitchen). You make Belgian waffles and yours is the one that resembles toast - as in overcooked and dry. You sort through all the month's mail (for three hours) and the mortgage statement is missing. Lots of other bills have arrived however. Your magazine subscriptions all run out at the same time, like now. You sort through all your receipts and throw out the ones you need to submit for trip reimbursement. (They are in the driveway in a big paper bin. Ask yourself if this is worth it.) You bought a Baby Eagle 9mm gun and can't find the keys to get it out of its case - rendering your version of Homeland Security useless as you cannot defend your Christmas tree! (You will refuse to be disturbed. You will wait for your older son to arrive and then take the gun to the store and have the lock cut off, buy a new lock, a gun cleaning kit and some bullets. And put these @#$% keys on your key chain while still in the store.) (Note that the spare keys to the new truck were found while searching for the gun keys. Not all was lost.) Your ISP provider doesn't want to provide anymore. You get more spam than email from people you know. Your kitchen floor is waiting for attention but you can't clean it yet because the frozen 23 lb turkey is resting there. Hopefully it will be ready to cook in the morning. Hopefully before noon. (That's the start time----) The city is trying to bill you for fees for book sales and you are no longer in business. And you can't call them because it's Christmas. (The state is sending forms too. Tough luck people! Wouldn't I just love to owe you something!) The wheelchair people suddenly forget that you have Medicare. And you can't call them because it's Christmas. The blood test people forget they are to bill your insurance. Noting that they bill the insurance just fine for your younger son. And you can't call them because it's Christmas. Fifty charities send you return address labels, more than you will ever use. You can't find the cable bill and you want it because the cable lineup is changing again. The hospital switched you to safety needles and forgot to give instructions. You try real coffee and nearly rip your younger son's arm off when he tries to eat a NutRageous bar without giving you a bite. You clean your son's room, putting his clothes out of sight and out of reach in the third bedroom and make him have to call you for underwear in the morning. (In the vain hope he will wear some in bed. Or, even better, get up and walk to the third bedroom and dress himself.) (Ha!) You plan on baking cookies, in spite of the photos someone sent you where your upper arm looks like a small ham. (And you can't pinch an inch either. Something about too-low Estrogen - I've now got muscles.) You know you need to make your older child his apple pie but the pie pans in the store are too shallow. Seems he did not return the pans last time you baked. Your primary insurance has been changed and you have no idea what coverage now exists. Except that it will cost you more. You can be thankful that you are not trying to fly home for the holidays, because you always wear sneakers and it takes 5-10 minutes to take them off and on. And smelling other people's feet in the airport is not one of your favorite things. There is nothing on TV. Even QVC is on break. And you are debating if Cable is worth the increasing fees since the stations are either playing sports or in a foreign language (pick one). This is an annual debate. They are close to losing this customer! The Radio Shack ads are claiming that your new DVD player will not hook up to your TV set and you wonder what planet they are on since your 45" set can be wired up to receive Mars should they decide to break silence and broadcast. The sound of gunfire erupts from your younger son's room because he finally got up out of bed and he's busy killing things. You polish every piece of silver and silver plate in the house and discover that three earrings no longer have mates. After you dump out the anti-tarnish solution, you find that missing silver sugar spoon. In a cupboard. In a sugar bowl. Black. (The spoon, not the sugar.) You are too tied to climb on the roof so you stick a motorized angel up in the lawn. Tra la. It rains the whole week you took off work before Christmas to clean the yard. Days and days of it. And the fallen leaves are all stuck together. Bags and bags of them. You are too tired and cold to climb into the attic for the decorations so you take your younger son's advice and buy all new stuff for the tree. At least the tree has stopped listing to the side. And the cats haven't tried to climb it lately. You are too damn lazy to wrap the 19" TV, the DVD player or the PlayStation II boxes - you just bury them under other things. You decide there will be no stockings hung by the fake fireplace this year. Instead, you decide to fling the candy (in bags) on the floor and keep the oranges in a bowl. If you can remember where you put the candy. You hope your children remember to put bows on those G4 Titanium laptops that were "early Christmas" but you know the greedy little buggers already have a new shopping list. You take the time to go out and remove dead leaves from the still-pristine truck bed and pat the Tacoma. Merry Christmas to me. Happy New Year. |
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